Well, seeing as how I had a pile of draft posts that never got published in a timely manner – let’s start again, shall we?
It’s May. Spring is here and the weather is bouncing from boiling hot to pouring rain. Thunderstorms aplenty. Flooded streets. Baby after baby after baby has been born in our city, and there are still more to come. I’ve been running around helping those who’ve called, needing breastfeeding support, and leading a series of evening LLL meetings. As always, I’m busy and not busy enough.
Norah is 3 1/2 now. I’m not entirely sure when it happened, but I blinked and she was vastly more sophisticated and thinking and communicating deeper than I was prepared for, and with more clarity. Basically, the little brat is growing up and I find it massively unfair. Stay little, bean. Stay little.
Sometimes, I think I’m on a countdown clock heading to the day when she grows into the inevitable mother-daughter resentment. Is it inevitable? I don’t know. I always assumed it was. I know there will be struggles, there are already struggles. I have never felt more like my own mother than recently, and I just cannot seem to stop.
For now, she still sits in my lap and tells me she loves me fifty times a day, and I wish I could stop the world and keep it that way forever.
We are officially two years into our four year Central WA stay. Mer got his placement for his fourth year, and it’s for our current area, so we’ll be staying for sure two more years. Halfway done. It feels like both a light at the end of the tunnel and also massively far away. These two past years have gone so fast, and yet – I don’t want to think about a Norah who is 5 1/2. I’m having enough trouble dealing with 3 1/2.
Of course, the solution to these feelings would be a very simple one for plenty of folks – time to have another. Right?
The answer is and has always been in this house… maybe. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe. We literally sat down the other day and decided not to decide. Either child #2 happens or it doesn’t, but we are no longer setting our minds to one way or another. I recently read a book called Moods of Motherhood by Lucy Pearce, and she described the two mother archetypes SO perfectly – the Nurturing Earth Mother, and the Creative Rainbow Mother. I have always desperately wanted to be the former. I have tried so, so hard to be. I think in some ways I am – I am a doula, I nurture, I care for other mothers. But in my own parenthood, I think there is a stage wherein I have to embrace the Creative Rainbow Mother in myself and admit that I have many limits in my ability to nurture my own child and my family. Rather than abuse myself about it, isn’t it better to “quit while we’re ahead”, as my husband likes to say? My life, our life is so full with Norah. That doesn’t mean another child doesn’t appeal, another baby to grow and nurse and hold. But is that enough?
The rest of this year, I think, will be a year of healing. Quiet healing. Maybe it’s because I’m at the tail end of a cold and so I’m just dripping with fatigue and cottonheadedness, but I’m ready for some quiet healing. My career path is beautiful and is coming together wonderfully, and I’m ready to focus inward and sort some things out.
This is Brigid’s Year. I will give it to her. May it give me strength, heal me, and help me heal and guide other women.